Saito Snaps
by DarkHorse1
Summary: What Saito was REALLY thinking during all those fights he was having. Kenshin, Sano, Usui, and Shishio all get the royal DarkHorse treatment.
1. Saito and Kenshin

Saito Snaps: Vol. 1  
  
  
**What Hajime Saito was thinking during his first fight with Kenshin: modern language version**  
  
Saito: Imma whoop this bastards ass.  
  
~goes into gatotsu mode, Kenshin dodges~  
  
Saito: Aw hell naw. I know this muthafucka don't think he can get away!  
  
~stabs Kenshin~  
  
Saito: Hehe, fucker.  
  
~Kenshin gets up, comes at him; Saito boots him~  
  
Saito: Christ, this nigga fast. I didn't expect that shit. Oh well.  
  
~Kenshin goes into Battousai mode~  
  
Saito: Oh, shitty. Lookit them eyes! Just as I thought: everytime he swings his ghetto sakabato, he unconciously goes Battousai.  
  
Kenshin: Here I come.  
  
Saito: Bring it, ass!  
  
~they get to fightin'~  
  
Saito: Oh, smack you, whack, ching, babow, ooooo!  
  
~Kenshin snaps, starts hootin' and hollerin'~  
  
Kenshin: YAAAAGHHGGHH!  
  
~hits Saito in the back of the neck, sends him into wall~  
  
Saito: (face in said wall) Oh no. It's ON now!  
  
~climbs out of said wall~  
  
Saito: I WAS gonna let your bitch ass live, but now I changed my mind. You're catchin' an ass whoopin'.  
  
~they fight some more~  
  
Kenshin: (screaming again)  
  
Saito: Ain't he hoarse yet? Jeez.  
  
~gets sword cut in half by Kenshin~  
  
Saito: Shit.  
  
Kenshin: Next time, it'll be your head.  
  
Saito: Nigga, I'd like to see you try!  
  
~goes gatotsu on him, chucks sword half at him~  
  
Kenshin: (blocks sword with hand) splat!  
  
Saito: Goooooooddamn!  
  
~goes flying at him, cocky ass grin on his face, whips out belt, and chokes Kenshin~  
  
Saito: You're fucking finished!  
  
Narrator Sanosuke: He's trying to snap Kenshin's neck!  
  
Saito and Kenshin: Shut up, aho!  
  
Kenshin: (uses sheath to hit Saito)  
  
Saito: (spitting out tooth) No, this muthafucka didn't!  
  
~roars like beast~  
  
Kenshin: (getting fucked up)  
  
Saito: Let's finish it, pussy.  
  
Kenshin: Aa.  
  
~fight some more~  
  
Kawaji: Stop!  
  
Saito: Man, I be hatin' some people.  
  
Kenshin: Kiss ass, me and Saito are killin' each other.  
  
Okubo: Stop!  
  
Saito: Your mom. Anyways, another time, Battousai.  
  
~walks through hole in wall~  
  
Kawaji: What's your report?  
  
Saito: Kenshin sucks big cock, Battousai could be useful. Get some Rogaine.  
  
  
Oi, sometimes I crack myself up. I wrote this during my boring ass intermediate algebra class in college. 


	2. Saito and Sanosuke

Saito and Sanosuke, first fight, dojo. Sarcastic/Modern Language Version  
  
Sano: Aw, they better not be eating hot pots without me, because I'm a brokeass free loader with little self respect and pride!  
  
Saito: Hello, may I interest you in some medicine before I kick your goddamn ass?  
  
Sano: Whoa, I don't even live here, I was just hoping for some free grub. Everyone's stepped out.  
  
Saito: That's a shame. Well, I suppose I can wait here suspiciously for a minute.  
  
Sano: Hey, you've got nice hands, mind if I hold 'em?  
  
Saito: What the fuck?  
  
Sano: Oooo, soft. Hey, a pharmacist shouldn't have blisters from holding a sword!  
  
Saito: Leggo, and they're not blisters, they're calluses, ass. But good call anyways, Sagara Sanosuke.  
  
Sano: (Jumping back like Sagara Taicho just pinched his ass.) What?  
  
Saito: (Pulling sword from back.) I guess I'll just have to leave the Battousai a souvenir. (Licks sword nastily.)  
  
Sano: (Thinking.) What does this guy have to do with Kenshin? Maybe in some sick alternate universe, those two are actually friends? Or maybe lovers? But wait, I think he and I would make a great couple in someone's perverted fantasy! (Shakes head.) All right, let's go, you big hunk of man beef!  
  
(Cut to commercial)  
  
(Back from commercial)  
  
Sano: All right, let's go, you big hunk of man beef!  
  
Saito: You said that already.  
  
Sano: (Hits Saito dead in the face.) Sorry, I got a little carried away.  
  
Saito: (Smiles.)  
  
Sano: (Jumping back like Sagara Taicho pinched his ass again. That Sagara Taicho. Always be grabbing people's asses.) What?  
  
Saito: Your punch don't mean shit. (Flies forward, stabs Sano, breaks hole in wall, breaks sword in Sano's shoulder.) These walls suck ass, as do these lame Western swords. Oh, you're still here? That wound's not fatal, but it's still deep. I should know. I miraculously became a doctor in this episode.  
  
Sano: (Getting up.) Whatever. Your sword's broke, so I figure this fights just begun!  
  
Saito: (Yawning.) Well, you figured wrong!  
  
Sano: Raaaaar!  
  
Saito: (Swats him like a fly, imbeds sword in his shoulder.) Sleep, ya fuckin' homo.  
  
DarkHorse: Woohoo! Took me long enough. You go Saito! 


	3. Saito and Sanosuke part 2

Saito and Sanosuke, second fight, outside Katsu's place. Sarcastic/Modern Language.  
  
Sano: Yahiko, something followed you here.  
  
Saito: (Leaning against wall, looking like a pimp.) Why I gotta be something? And you're not going to Kyoto.  
  
Sano: Yes I am.  
  
Saito: No, you're not. You're nothing but a weakness to the Battousai and I. Just stay here like a good little girl.  
  
Sano: Kenshin thinks I'm a weakness? Oh, now I really have to go to Kyoto. (Internal monologue, characteristic of narrator Sanosuke, ensues.) blblahblahblahblah yadayadayadaya yackityackity smackity Kenshin hgsadkljf asuyodg iyhsdb Kyoto kjgh ;kjdhf lkhsdf uoieanc ilughbv weakness askjldgf I don't believe it. Slkhdf lkhsgdfk klas kljasgiubca kajbu.  
  
Saito: (Looking at his watch. Sighs.) Okay. Here's the deal. If I fuck you up again, you go anyways and be a complete nuisance through the rest of this arc. If you beat me, pigs will fly, hell will freeze over, Elvis will leave the building, and I will fuck Megumi Takani senseless.  
  
Sano: You're on! (Closes his eyes and starts flailing wildly.) I have to hit something!  
  
Saito: (Sleeves go flying.) I told you your punches don't mean shit. (Starts handing Sano's ass to him on a silver platter in slow motion.) Man, and now look at my shirt. Tokio's going to castrate me when she sees this, and it's all because your punk ass can't take a hint that no one likes you!  
  
Sano: Shut up! (More internal monologue rambling.)  
  
Saito: (Fed up. Hits him in shoulder, blood spurts everydamnwhere, like he hit an artery. Walks away.) Do what you want, aho.  
  
Sano: I was gonna anyways!  
  
Yahiko: Boy, you sure showed him.  
  
Katsu: Yeah. But let's get that shoulder cleaned up.  
  
Sano: (Delusional.) No, it's not that bad. I have to get going. Yahiko, see that Jo-chan goes to Kyoto. (Yet more internal monologue bullshit about Saito not actually hitting his injured shoulder.)  
  
DarkHorse: You know, I just realized that I do a lot of Sano bashing in here. I admit, in these two scenes, he was really annoying. He's just comic relief. But Saito and him together (not in *that*, you perverts!) is very amusing. I'm thinking about changing the title to just "Snaps", since I'm working on the fights between Kenshin and Aoshi, which should be really interesting, Aoshi having no emotions and all. I have to go back and watch the Kanryu episode again, which is in English, since I got it before I got a DVD player. Any other fights (or hell, just general scenes) you'd like to see me mutilate? Drop me a line! 


	4. Saito and Shishio

Saito and Shishio's fight, my way.

Saito:  It's too early for you to be happy about this situation!  Or something like that. (Coming through wall like some sort of deranged freight train.)

Sano:  Saito Hajime, you're my hero! (a la Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.)

            (OR, if you prefer: Saito! (creams jeans))

Saito:  (Stabs Shishio in forehead.) Haha! Your head is mine, ass!

Shishio:  (PING!)  Haha, hell.  I've got a metal plate on my head, left over from the Vietnam war, I mean when I was shot in the head and taken advantage of.  I wanted to make sure it never happened again.

Saito:  Booo!  Damn cheater!  (Giving a thumbs down and blowing a razberry.)

Shishio:  Yeah, you suck, government dog.  Gatotsu, ha!  Gatotshit!  I see Usui gave you those leg wounds…

Saito:  ?

Shishio:  Yeah, there was no reason to bring those up.  Anyways, (throws stick) fetch the stick doggy, c'mon go get it boy!

Saito:  (Flipping him off) Fetch this, you wrapped up bag of shit.  (Comes at him again, freight train style.)  Gatotsu ishiki!

Shishio: (Blocks.)

Saito:  Gatotsu nishiki!

Shishio: (Evades.)

Saito:  Gatotsu sanshiki!

Shishio:  (Dodges.)  Well, it looks like you've used them all up.  You did pretty well for a dog sent by the government.  How many times have I said that now?  Twice?  Three times?

Sano:  (Narrating about something.)  Blah blah blah.

Saito:  If you can say that, you're off guard!

Shishio:  (Cliché dear in headlights look.)

Saito:  Gatotsu zeroshiki!

Shishio:  (Blocks with sword, jams hand through shoulder, uses that exploding glove thing that doesn't seem to hurt him at all for some reason.) This is called composure!

Saito:  (Passed the fuck out.)  This is bullshit!

DarkHorse:  There ya have it.  Saito's fights are finished, and boy is that man pimp.  Except he lost this one.  If he had aimed for Shishio's heart…well, I s'pose Watsuki-sensei had a reason.  Especially being this is Rurouni KENSHIN.  Anyways, maybe I'll get around to doing Aoshi, since he is my fave character, but like I said, it's gonna be pretty hard.  See ya!


	5. Saito and Usui

I forgot one.  Saito and Usui, my way.

Usui:  Aw, what a pretty little friendship you've got there, letting them go on without you.  (Referring to Kenshin and Sano, who've gone on.)

Saito:  Niggaplease.  You've got it all wrong, freak.  When I kill your ass, I don't want the Battousai getting in my damn way.  He'd say something all gay, like, "Don't kill him!"

U:  Really?  Well, you won't win against my eye of the heart.

S:  Whatever the fuck that is.  (Goes gatostsu on him.)

U:  (Straight blocking that shit.) Byokan Bogukan Hyakku Ryoran (DH did that from memory, so don't blame her if it's jacked up.)

S:  (Jumping back, all pissed off, little cuts all over the place.)

U:  Oho, looks like you got nipped by a fox.  Damn, that sounded lame.  Why did your gatotsu miss?  Anyways, do you want to know how my eye of the heart works?  All right, shut the fuck up and listen.

S:  (Puts hands in a "T".)  Hold on, first of all, I don't give a flying penguin about your ghetto eye of the heart.  Second of all, isn't it supposed to be "Shingun"?  Or maybe it's "Shinga".  I don't remember.

U:  Whatever.  (Continues to tell Saito about Shishio fuckin' him up, stumbling around and finding water, training, going to the local 'teahouse' to have his man-servant Julio make him that retarded ass outfit…hmmmm.)

S:  (Looking at watch.)  You talk more than Sanosuke.  It seems the contents of your head are as ridiculous as that outfit.  (DH knows she ripped off straight from the sub, but that line rocked.)  Now, let me show you my "Shingun/ga."

U:  Yours?

(commercial.)

(Back.)

U:  Yours?

S:  (Whapping DH upside the head.)  Jesus, woman, you don't have to put commercials in here!  Anyways, before I was so rudely interrupted, yes, my shingun/ga.  You're dumb.  You gave up on revenge against Shishio a long time ago, cuz you know you suck hairy donkey balls.  All that bullshit about him taking the light from your eyes was just that:  bullshit.  How's that, ass?

U:  Wow, you're pretty good.  But not even Shishio knows about that.

S:  I reiterate.  You're dumb.  Like he doesn't know that, Mr. Puppet.  He's playing you for the ahou you are.

U & S:  (Laughing uncontrollably for some reason.)

U:  What's so funny?  Since you figured out my secret, I'm going to kill you with this…whatever this weapon is!

S:  Okay.  I don't know what you've got behind that tortoise shell, but there's nothing my gatotsu can't pierce.  Much like something else long and hard I own.  (Gives DH dirty look for making him say that.  DH sprouts fox ears and laughs, a la Megumi.)

U:  (Blocks the gatotsu a few times.)  I think this is going out of order, but this technique has been used by my native island of Ryukyu.  

S:  (Makes talking motion with his hand.)  Blah blah blah.

U:  (Getting all up in Saito's grill.)  Ha!  I don't see you making your smart ass comments now…ass!  C'mon, be afraid!  I'll stab you in the face with this sharp object I have hidden behind this round thing.

S:  (Zero gatotsus Usui all over the wall.)

U:  Was that…gatotsu?

S:  Totally.  I used the trick I was saving for Battousai.  Aren't you honored?  Aku soku zan, motherfucker, aku soku zan.

U:  How long do you think you can go on living like that?  (Dies, blindfold falls off.  Though why he needed one, DH doesn't know.)

S:  Till I die, of course.

DH:  I swear, he should've winked right there.  It would've fit perfectly.  I'd like to thank Iudex for reminding me about this fight.  I would like to eventually do the one where he fights on Enishi's island, but I've only read that part of the manga online, and not actually seen the pictures.  Oh well. Anyone got any manga for sale?  ;)


End file.
